


fair-weather love

by maybemaybenottt



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Established Relationship, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, Secret Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-23
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-14 07:14:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29663661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maybemaybenottt/pseuds/maybemaybenottt
Summary: A crack of thunder. A rough shove. An empty space where Buck stood just moments ago.A pit in his stomach as he realises his boyfriend has just fallen 25 feet.A shout that claws its way out of his throat involuntarily."BUCK!"-A call goes wrong. Buck falls. Eddie waits.
Relationships: Eddie Diaz & Henrietta "Hen" Wilson, Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV) & Bobby Nash, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 76
Kudos: 654





	fair-weather love

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from Still Have You by Freya Ridings.

_**“911, what’s your emergency?”** _

_“It’s my boyfriend! We were cycling down this trail, and he turned the corner too fast, and-and- oh, god, he fell right down the cliff!”_

_**“What is your location, ma’am?”** _

**6:13 PM**

Eddie has never liked rain. 

When he was a kid, it meant staying inside all day, not getting to go out and play with friends. It meant storms that scared his little sisters, power outages that made his father curse while rummaging around for flashlights, and cold wind that creeped in through the poorly insulated windows and made his feet cold.

These days, it brings on a whole stack of other things; the disappointed look on his son’s face at a cancelled trip to the park, call after call -slips and falls and crashes.

But most of all, these days, it brings memories. 

He feels the weight of them now, as they trek through the mud, following the yells for help coming from the top of the hill. He can feel the cold seeping into the toes of his boots, numbing his feet as he carries himself up the path. It’s a familiar feeling that flashes yet another memory in the back of his mind, sending a shiver through his body that he’s not sure has anything to do with the temperature. 

“Oh, thank god you’re here!” A woman shouts as they reach the top, her voice nearly drowned out by the rain. “My boyfriend and I, we were on our way back down the trail when he rounded the corner too fast-” she swallows, breathing heavily. “He-he slipped and fell right down the cliff!” She cries, pointing towards the edge.

They rush forwards, peering down, and sure enough, there’s a man lying motionless about 25 feet below. 

“Okay,” Bobby says, shouting to be heard over the sound of the rain. “Chim, go get the winch. Eddie, Buck- I’m sending you two down to retrieve the guy. If it looks like a spinal injury, radio up and we’ll send down a basket.”

A series of nods sets the plan in motion. Chim rushes back down the path as Buck and Eddie grab their gear, pulling the harnesses over their uniforms. Eddie catches Buck’s eye for a moment as he’s tightening the straps, and is met with a smile that seems somewhat forced. 

“Look, Buck-”

“It’s fine, Eddie. Really.” Buck says -short, dismissive. Eddie’s chest clenches with guilt, but he pushes it down and carries himself forward, following as Buck moves back over to the edge. “Think he’s alive?”

“People have survived crazier things,” Eddie says, eyeing Buck from the side. Buck chuckles.

“Yeah, that’s true.”

“Alright boys, let’s get you tied up,” Chimney shouts.

Eddie turns towards Buck, about to speak, but he doesn’t get the chance. A loud crack of thunder booms from the sky above, startling them both. All of a sudden, the ground feels unstable beneath his feet. There’s a startled -no, terrified- look in Buck’s eyes. Then, there’s a hand on his chest, shoving him away. He stumbles backwards. Catches himself. Watches as the ground crumbles beneath Buck’s feet. Shouts Buck’s name as he disappears over the edge and-

Buck is gone. 

**Twelve hours earlier - 6:02AM**

Sunlight wakes Eddie before his alarm clock gets the chance. It’s coming in through the blinds, filtering through the raindrops that are pattering against the glass, and casting small circles of light on the sleeping face next to him. 

He takes in the sight, smiling softly to himself as he maps out each golden dot. It amazes him, sometimes, the way the sun seems to be drawn to Buck. How even on dark, cloudy days, the light still finds its way to him, illuminating every part of him, starting at his eyelashes and trailing all the way down each patch of skin. It’s fitting, really. After all, the only thing that seems to rival the warmth and brightness that radiates from Buck is the sun itself. 

“I can feel you staring,” Buck mumbles, voice muffled against his pillow.

Eddie chuckles. “Can’t I enjoy the view?”

Buck shifts, throwing an arm around Eddie’s waist to bring him closer. The sudden movement elicits a soft, surprised laugh from Eddie, as he repositions himself to lay comfortably in his boyfriend’s arms. “Not from that far away.” Buck cracks one eye open and grins. “Morning.”

“Morning,” Eddie repeats, inching his face closer to capture Buck’s lips in a kiss. 

“God, your morning breath is terrible.”

“Fuck off.” Eddie shoves at Buck’s shoulder, causing him to roll over onto his back, laughing brightly. Eddie tries and fails to suppress his own smile; shakes his head and rolls his eyes. “I don’t know why I put up with you.”

Buck hums in amusement and rolls over to look at the clock. ‘Well, you won’t have to for much longer, because I have a shift in two hours.” 

He moves to sit up, throwing the covers off of himself, but Eddie moves quicker. Snagging an arm around Buck’s waist, he pulls him back down -Buck’s back to his chest- and wraps him in a bear hug. Buck laughs. The rich sound startles away the quiet that had settled overnight.

“Unacceptable.” Eddie mumbles. “Stay here forever.”

Buck shifts in Eddie's arms in an attempt to turn around and face him, ending up half on top of him. He doesn’t mind the weight. 

“As wonderful as that sounds,” Buck says. “Your plan does have a few flaws.”

“Mm, like what?”

“Well, there’s Chris-”

“He can stay here too."

“How would we eat?” Buck laughs.

“Take out.” Eddie replies easily.

“Delivered right to the bedroom door?”

“We’ll leave a big tip.”

“And how would we _pay_ for said take out-” Buck tilts his head to give Eddie a pointed look. “If I never go to work?”

Eddie groans, reluctantly letting go as Buck pats his chest sympathetically and rolls off of him, scooting to the end of the bed to grab a shirt off of the floor. “I hate it when you’re logical.” 

“A rare occurrence, I know,” Buck says over his shoulder. 

Eddie props his head up on his hand, watching as Buck slips on a t-shirt, mussing up his hair in the process. Biting back a smile at the sight, he says, “Let me drive you to work, then.”

“Your shift doesn’t start 'til six.”

“So?”

“ _So_ , I thought we were trying to keep this-” He waves his pointer finger between the two of them. “-under wraps. Wouldn’t it be a _little_ suspicious if you showed up ten hours early just to give me a ride?”

Eddie shrugs. “Doubt they’d think much of it. We did shit like that before we were even dating.”

Buck just snorts and rolls his eyes. “I’ve gotta get some stuff from my apartment anyway.” He hops up from his perch at the end of the bed, pulling on the jeans he’d discarded in the corner last night, then grabs his keys from the top of the dresser. He crosses the room again to lean down and give Eddie a kiss on the cheek. “Go back to sleep.”

“What, with you out there for me to worry about? Not a chance, Buckley.”

“ _Goodbye_ , Eddie.”

Eddie watches as Buck leaves, quietly humming a tune as he makes his way down the hallway, and feels that familiar warmth in his chest. The feeling began months, maybe even years ago, long before they could name what was going on between them, and had only grown since. Even as Buck shuts the door behind himself, a bit of that warmth and light lingers, casting a glow on the now empty space beside Eddie like a bookmark. Saving Buck’s place for his eventual return.

Eddie wonders, briefly, when _goodbye_ turned into an easy promise of _I’ll see you later_ , but he figures it must have been around the same time Buck wormed his way into Eddie’s heart and made a home there, filling his head and chest with dozens of emotions he’s not sure how to put into words. 

Things are good. Eddie hopes they’ll stay that way.

 **5:27PM**

The sky grows gradually darker throughout the day, black clouds covering up every patch of visible sky. Eddie manages to get Christopher to school before the worst of it, but as he wanders from room to room in the empty house, the storm starts to pick up. It fills the air with electricity, and his good mood from the morning is slowly replaced with nerves. He’s learned from a few years of experience that nothing good ever comes out of storms like these.

He makes it out the front door and into his truck just in time to hear a huge crack of thunder above his head, and witness a flash of lightning momentarily brightening the evening sky.

It’s going to be a long night.

**5:52PM**

The rain is pounding against the hood of his car; a steady rhythm as it falls from the sky in sheets. It's almost therapeutic, and Eddie supposes that if he were someone else, it would be relaxing. The rush of water would settle him, giving him a calm start before his busy shift. His aunt once described the rain as _cleansing_. She said it washed away all the negativity from the past few days, and gave you a new, fresh place to start over. If he were someone else, he might agree.

But he's not. And right now, as he sits with his forehead against the steering wheel and tries to keep all thoughts of mud and water and deep tunnels from his mind, it's just giving him a headache. 

He lifts his head and sighs; opening the door and cursing loudly as the droplets fly in. He holds his duffel bag above his head and makes a break for it, rushing across the parking lot and shaking off the stray droplets as he crosses the threshold of the bay doors. 

He looks around the station and takes in the quiet. There's the sound of muffled chatter drifting down from the loft, and the rain is still pouring outside and splashing against the pavement, but it all feels much further away. Far enough that he can take a deep breath and relax a bit as he walks into the locker room.

He barely has time to register the hand wrapping around his wrist before he's pulled behind a set of lockers and there's suddenly a warm body pressed up against his, soft lips kissing him senseless. A startled laugh makes its way out of him, and he pulls back to see his boyfriend's grinning face. 

"Hi."

"Hi," Eddie laughs. "I get the feeling you're happy to see me."

"Oh god no, what gave you that impression?" 

Eddie rolls his eyes as Buck ducks down for another kiss, his back hitting the lockers as Buck pushes him backwards. He pulls away again with another laugh, shaking his head fondly as Buck decides to pepper kisses along his jawline instead. "Someone's going to see us.” Buck ignores him. “Getting caught making out in the locker room might not be the best way for everyone to find out about our relationship.”

"Nobody can see us through the windows in this spot," Buck mumbles. 

Eddie hums. "What if someone comes in?" Buck shrugs. "Weren't you the one who was going on about _keeping this under wraps_ this morning?" 

"Yeah, well-" Another kiss on the lips. "I missed you."

"You saw me this morning."

"When you're used to spending 24 hours a day with a guy, a few apart can really take a toll." 

Eddie laughs again as Buck begins planting kisses all over his face; both cheeks, his forehead, chin, and even his nose. "You're an idiot."

"An idiot who loves you."

Oh. That's new. 

Though Eddie can't say it's a huge surprise. They've been dating for four months, and were friends years before that. In fact, it should feel sort of obvious. 

But it's new, and it's different, and the one small word catches him off guard more than he expects.

He wants to say it back, and knows that he would mean it if he did. But the words won’t leave his mouth, and hearing them from Buck sends a jolt of fear through his body at the thought of being trusted with something as heavy as Buck’s heart. He doesn't know if he's ready to carry the weight without stumbling and ruining everything.

He’s messed up so many times before. And the possibility of wrecking this -something that’s so precious to the both of them- leaves him paralyzed, unable to do a thing.

Buck must feel him go tense in his arms, must see the look on Eddie's face when he glances up with a hopeful smile.

His face falls. Thunder cracks outside, startling them both. The rain starts to pour even harder than before, but it's drowned out a second later by the blaring of the alarm.

Buck pulls away with a stiff look on his face and a promise of; "We'll talk later."

Eddie can't do anything but nod and follow him to the truck.

**6:03PM**

The truck's windshield wipers are working hard to keep the water at bay. The tires send waves of water spraying onto the sidewalk as they drive through puddles. Thunder booms, loud even over the sound of the siren and Bobby's voice briefing them on the technicalities of the call through the head sets.

Lighting flashes. The rain pours.

His boyfriend is sitting very far away. 

**6:13PM**

There's a man at the bottom of the cliff.

"Eddie, Buck- I’m sending you two down to retrieve the guy…"

They harness themselves up. They look down.

"People have survived crazier things."

A crack of thunder. A rough shove. An empty space where Buck stood just moments ago.

A pit in his stomach as he realises his boyfriend has just fallen 25 feet.

A shout that claws its way out of his throat involuntarily.

" _BUCK!_ "

**6:16PM**

Eddie can't see. The rain is pouring so heavily that his eyes can barely make out anything from a distance of 5 feet, let alone 25.

He needs to see. He needs to know that Buck is okay.

"Chim, tie me up, I'm going down there!" He shouts over the roaring of the storm.

"No, Eddie, you're not. This ground is unstable, we can't risk it." Bobby says. 

“Like hell we can’t! Buck’s down there, he needs our help!”

“We’re not abandoning him, but you can’t go down that way. It’s unsafe.”

"Cap-"

"I can't take the chance-"

"What the hell are we supposed to do then?!" He sounds desperate. He knows he does, but he can't help it.

"We'll have to take the long way down. Make our way down the trail and cross through the forest to get to them."

Eddie turns to Hen. "Does he have time for that?"

She swallows, shrugging. "Can't be sure until we get down there."

"There's no other way to do it, Eddie." Bobby stresses. "Hen, Chim. Grab your gear. We don't know what condition those two will be in when we get there, so we need you two to come with us. Ma'am," He turns to the cyclist's girlfriend. "I think it's best if you go with one of our other firefighters and wait in the truck while we go get your boyfriend." She looks like she wants to protest, but stays silent and nods. Eddie watches as John leads her back to the truck, her whole body trembling as she takes each step. 

Chimney and Hen rush back, turnout gear and med bags in hand. "Alright, let's go!"

**6:48PM**

Eddie can barely feel his feet carrying him forward. He knows he’s moving, probably faster than he normally could, but he’s got tunnel vision, and the only thing he can focus on is what they’re going to find when they get down there. 

Eddie’s never been an optimist. He likes to think he sees the world the way it is, seeing no point in living apart from reality. Right now, though, he really wishes that flicker of hope inside of him was burning just a little bit brighter. 

He isn’t entirely sure how long they’ve been walking, having split from the bike path and started through the forest a little while ago. The mud is thick beneath his feet; tree branches are pushed to the side as they make their way through the trees. The rain is still pouring, falling in thick drops and sliding off of the leaves above their heads. It seeps into his clothes and his skin, and any other time he’d probably be grumbling internally about it, but right now, his mind has one sole purpose in mind -find Buck.

He hears Chimney call out from the front; “Over here!” and rushes forward, only to have his heart sink in his chest when he sees Chimney crouching beside the cyclist. Another day, he’d feel guilty for his disappointment -for forgetting himself and the job they’d been called there to do- but right now all he can think is _find Buck_. 

He steps past the cyclist, deeper into the woods. 

_Find Buck._

He turns on his flashlight, desperate for better vision in the dim evening light.

_Find Buck._

He takes in his surroundings, searching for any clue of another person.

_Find-_

“Buck!” Hen calls out from his left. “Guys, he’s over here!”

Eddie rushes towards the sound of her voice, stopping dead in his tracks when he sees Buck -lying there, motionless, with half-lidded eyes and scratches all over his face. He’s alive - _thank god, he’s alive _\- and Eddie feels a small amount of tension bleed from his shoulders as Buck lifts his gaze to look him in the eye.__

____

“Eddie?”

____

He drops to his side, grabbing his hand. “I’m here, Buck. How are you feeling?”

____

Buck chokes out a sound that Eddie assumes would be laughter under better conditions. “Not too hot.”

____

"Can you tell me what day it is, Buck?" Hen asks.

____

"Uh…" He pauses. "It's Monday, isn't it?"

____

"It is," Hen says calmly. "What about your surroundings? Do you know where you are?"

____

"It's, uh-" Buck lifts his head slightly before leaning it back again. "It's dark."

____

Hen pulls out a penlight from her jacket, shining it into Buck’s pupils. "Possible concussion, maybe worse." She returns the light to her pocket and starts to feel around his body for other injuries. Eddie watches, dread filling his stomach as he follows her widened gaze to the wound on Buck's torso. "Oh god, Cap! He must have hit a tree branch on the way down, he's been impaled!"

____

Eddie watches Buck’s face change as he registers her words, panic flashing over his features as he looks down at the sharp branch sticking out of his side. 

____

“Doesn’t look like it hit any vital organs, Buckaroo.” Hen inspects the injury more closely. “But I’m afraid a couple of stitches isn’t gonna cut it.”

____

Buck groans -out of pain or the thought of yet another surgery, Eddie isn’t sure- but then his eyes slip closed, and Eddie feels that wave of dread all over again. “Hey, no, eyes open, man.” He cups Buck’s face in his hand, patting his cheek lightly to keep him awake. “You know the drill.”

____

Buck lifts his eyelids, barely. “I’m sorry, Eddie,” he mumbles.

____

“For what?”

____

“For getting hurt again,” he swallows thickly. “You told me you didn’t want to lose me.”

____

He remembers that conversation; it was only a couple of months after they started dating. He’d come too close to losing Buck at a call to a house fire one day, and that night in bed, holding Buck tightly, he’d whispered his fears into the dark.

____

_“You won’t, Eddie.”_ Buck had whispered back. _“I’ll always be right by your side.”_

____

He’s praying that Buck doesn’t break that promise today.

____

Eddie glances at Hen, then back to Buck. “No one’s losing anyone today, okay? Keep those eyes open for me.”

____

Bobby appears with a backboard and the saw. Eddie’s afraid to let go, like his hands are the lifeline keeping Buck awake and stable. But he’s got a job to do, and the thought of finding Buck is replaced with saving Buck, so he grabs the saw and gets to work, slicing the offending tree branch into a piece that’s small enough for them to transport him with.

____

**6:59PM**

____

Eddie didn’t know an ambulance ride could feel so long. 

____

He grabs a handful of gauze and a roll of tape, setting to work on changing the dressings on Buck’s wound -a desperate attempt to fend off the impatience that grows with each passing second that they’re not wheeling him into the ER. 

____

It’s taking too long. It feels like they’re running out of time. He needs to do something, anything, to help.

____

"Eddie, I've got this."

____

"It's fine, Hen, I can do it."

____

" _Eddie_." At her forceful tone, he looks up, and she nods to Buck, who's reaching a hand out for Eddie. He lets Hen take the gauze and tape from his hands and lowers himself down next to Buck, taking his hand and squeezing it gently. The warm skin that had been pressed up against his this morning feels cold and clammy now, and the smile that normally made the sun pale in comparison was dimmed, only a ghost of its normal self.

____

“Starting to wish we stayed in bed this morning,” Buck murmurs.

____

“I tried to convince you,” Eddie says softly. 

____

“Yeah, well,” Buck tries to grin, but it comes out as more of a wince. “I’ve never been a very good listener.” 

____

Eddie lets out a watery laugh. He doesn’t remember the tears forming, but his vision is suddenly blurry, and he tries to blink them away. He feels a bit relieved to still be bantering like a semblance of their normal selves. It gives that small flame of hope a little more fuel.

____

It’s quickly stomped out when Buck’s eyes slip closed, and nothing Eddie does can keep him awake. 

____

**7:04PM**

____

The second they reach the emergency room doors, Eddie hops out, grabbing the tail end of the gurney to help Hen lift it down. There’s a team of doctors at the entrance, waiting -Bobby must have called and told them to prepare for surgery- who listen intently as Hen rattles off the details of Buck’s injury. 

____

He trails close behind as they wheel him towards the operating room, but he’s not really listening. All he can do is stare at Buck’s motionless body and desperately wish he could go back to this morning. 

____

This morning, when he had woken up with Buck in his arms. When Buck had teased him about his morning breath and ordered him to get more rest. He wishes he could go back to earlier that evening, when Buck had pulled him in and kissed him sweetly; held him close. When Buck had told him how much he missed him, how much he _loved_ him; said it like it was the most honest thing that had ever come out of his mouth.

____

It’s not until Buck disappears behind the heavy white doors that Eddie realises he never said it back. 

____

He hates the voice in the back of his head that tells him he might never get the chance. 

____

**8:04PM**

____

It’s been an hour.

____

They’re all sitting around the waiting room in hard plastic chairs, and no one has said anything in a while. Hen and Chimney had tried to fill the silence at first, providing anecdotes from earlier on their shift, from before Eddie had arrived. But none of the jokes had landed, and Eddie could tell they were too tired and stressed to keep up the facade. 

____

So it’s quiet.

____

Eddie is alone with his thoughts.

____

_He could be-_

____

_There’s a chance he might not-_

____

_What if he doesn’t make it?_

____

_What if I never get to tell him?_

____

He hates his thoughts.

____

**9:07PM**

____

“I’m here for a patient. Evan Buckley, he was taken into surgery two hours ago-”

____

“Maddie,” Chim calls out, standing to get her attention. 

____

Maddie whips around at the sound of his voice, and as soon as she looks him in the eye, her face crumbles. Rushing from the reception desk into his open arms, she asks; “What happened?”

____

“He and Eddie were about to go down to retrieve a patient from the bottom of a cliff. The ground gave out and he just… fell.”

____

Maddie screws up her face to try and hold back the tears. “How bad?”

____

“They’ve got him in surgery now, Maddie-”

____

_“How bad?”_

____

There’s a pause. Chimney glances at Hen, who shrugs hopelessly. Chim swallows. Says, “The worst of it was in his abdomen. Impaled by a tree branch.”

____

“Oh god.” Her tears fall freely now, and she buries her face in Chimney’s shoulder as he rubs up and down her back.

____

“He’s gonna be okay, Maddie. This is Buck we’re talking about. He’s a fighter.”

____

Maddie sniffles, looking up at him and wiping her eyes. She nods, though she doesn’t look like she quite believes it. Eddie understands the feeling. The constant reassurances flying over his head, however thoughtful, don’t do much to ease the tightness in his chest. The words don’t hold any power. To him, they sound like empty promises. 

____

From the chair on his left, Hen nudges him with her elbow. “He’s right, you know.” Eddie turns to meet her eye. “Buck will pull through. He always does.”

____

There’s hope in her eyes -an expression that Eddie desperately wishes he could mirror- and he doesn’t want to ruin it. So he swallows, nods, and ignores the voice in the back of his mind that says that _everyone’s luck runs out at some point._

____

**9:59PM**

____

People keep arriving. First Maddie, then Athena, rushing in with; “How’s our boy doing?” Then Karen, greeting everyone quietly before pulling her wife into a hug. 

____

Empty chairs are steadily filling up, and it’s easy to see with a quick sweep around the room the amount of love that surrounds Buck every day. Eddie knows that if he listens in to the conversation, he’d be able to hear it, too. He’d hear stories of Buck’s heroic rescues and sweet gestures; hear the soft laughter that accompanies them. 

____

He knows he should probably participate, that he’s giving himself away by staying silent and staring blankly at the floor. That anyone who looks closely can see he isn’t reacting in the way someone who’s just a friend would. But his mind is a swirling mess of thoughts, and none of them form words that he wants to stay out loud. 

____

_Maybe-_

____

_He might be-_

____

_Don’t know if-_

____

_Never said it back-_

____

It’s easier to stay quiet. That way, there’s still a chance that he can keep up the illusion. 

____

**10:31PM**

____

Eddie can feel Hen’s eyes on him; knows she heard his and Buck’s whispered conversations, saw the way Buck reached out for Eddie, and how he had laced their fingers together just like he’s done a million times before. He knows she has questions, but she hasn’t asked them in front of anyone else, and for that he’s grateful. 

____

Bobby and Chimney end up wandering down the hall in search of more coffee, leaving Athena, Karen and Maddie to their quiet small talk, and Hen seems to take it as her chance to slide into the chair next to Eddie. She sits with him silently for a moment, facing forward, eyes trained to the same spot on the floor that he’s been staring at. She seems to gather her thoughts into a question, looking up at him with curious eyes and asking simply, “Why did you hide it?”

____

“Hide what?” It’s a valiant effort to keep up the charade, but he knows it’s a failed one before the words even leave his mouth.

____

“I think you know what I’m talking about,” she says quietly. 

____

Eddie sighs. “I guess- I guess we just wanted time. To figure things out on our own before getting everyone else involved.” 

____

Hen nods, pausing before speaking again. When she does, it’s hesitant. “But… you know we’d never judge you, right?”

____

Eddie shakes his head. “No, but there would be teasing, and gossip. We just wanted to wait a little while before opening ourselves up to all of that.”

____

There’s another moment of silence, and Eddie worries for a moment that Hen will be angry. That she won’t understand his reasoning, and be hurt that she wasn’t filled in. But when he looks up to meet her eye, she just looks sad. 

____

Reaching out to cover his hand with her own, she says, “I’m sorry if we made you feel like you couldn’t tell us.”

____

Eddie shakes his head. “It wasn’t you guys. We just needed a minute.”

____

Hen considers him for a moment, before nodding. “All we want is for you two to be happy.”

____

Eddie nods, swallowing the lump in his throat. “I want that too.”

____

**12:00AM**

____

It’s been hours.

____

The chatter has quieted, down to an occasional whisper here and there. Karen is asleep on Hen’s shoulder. Maddie is staring down at Chimney’s hand where it’s clasped in hers, nervously tracing patterns along his knuckles. Bobby has his arm around Athena’s shoulder, holding her close as he stares at each passing second on the clock. 

____

Eddie sits alone, staring at the empty chair next to him.

____

The lack of voices around him makes the booming thunder outside that much more prominent. 

____

Each flash of lighting through the window flashes a memory in front of his eyes. Over and over again, he watches Buck fall. Sees the dirt crumble beneath his feet, and hears his own shouts echoing in his ears.

____

There’s a migraine pounding behind his eyelids. He doesn’t close them. He knows what he’d see.

____

**1:45AM**

____

A pair of feet plant themselves in front of him. 

____

He glances up to see Bobby, eyes tired and glassy, gesturing at him to get up. 

____

“Come on, let’s go get ourselves some coffee,” he says. 

____

Eddie doesn’t have the energy to protest, so he rises from his chair and falls into step beside Bobby as they make their way down the hall. Bobby stays silent until they reach the coffee machine, putting distance between the two of them and the rest of the team before he starts up the conversation. 

____

“How are you doing, Eddie?” He slides a coin into the machine with a _clink._

____

Eddie shrugs, looking down at the floor. “I’m fine.”

____

“Eddie.” 

____

He shakes his head. “I don’t know what you want me to say, Cap.” 

____

“I want you to tell me the truth.” 

____

Eddie stays silent, and Bobby doesn’t push. For a while, the only sound that passes between them is the dribble of the machine slowly filling Bobby’s cup. 

____

The truth is, he’s terrified -terrified of losing Buck, of having to live a life without him in it. He doesn’t remember how to do that. Since the beginning of their friendship, Buck has felt like an essential part of his existence -a constant reassuring presence at his side. There to help him find proper care for his son, to navigate him through an unfamiliar city, there to support him through anything and everything, even when things got hard. 

____

It’s a scary thing, to build a life around someone -to let them build your world up around you- and be suddenly reminded of how fragile that person’s life is. He thought he knew better than to let someone in like that. But somehow Buck worked his way into every empty space in his heart, silently and so effortlessly that Eddie hadn’t even registered the change until it was too late. 

____

And now, as quickly as Buck had become a necessary part of his life, it felt like he was slipping from it far too easily.

____

Eddie doesn’t know how to put that into words. Doesn’t particularly want to; would rather brush it off and go back to the waiting room without another word. But when he meets Bobby’s eye, the word _fine_ gets stuck in his throat, the cold room seeps every ounce of fight out of him, and he can’t find the energy to lie. 

____

“I’m scared.”

____

“The doctors said he had a fair chance.”

____

“But that’s the thing, it’s just a _chance._ ” Eddie stresses. “I don’t know for certain if I’ll ever get to see him again. If I’ll ever get to tell him-” He looks down at the reflections of the overhead lights swirling around in his cup, trying to stop the tears from falling. He blinks and meets Bobby’s eye again, clearing his throat. “He told me that he loved me.” 

____

Eddie doesn’t miss the way Bobby’s eyes widen. This wasn’t how they had planned to tell him about their relationship, but his first admission had opened the floodgates, and he couldn’t stop the words falling from his mouth. “Earlier today, at the beginning of my shift, he told me he loved me. Looked me right in the eyes and said it out loud, and I didn’t say a word. All I could do was stare at him.”

____

“Do you?” Seeing Eddie’s raised eyebrow, Bobby adds; “Love him?”

____

“God, I mean, how could I not?” He blurts, then stops for a moment to wonder if he really wants to reveal so much of himself right here, right now. If the situation were different, maybe he’d stop himself, but it’s late, Bobby is a good listener, and he’s so tired of pretending. 

____

“He just- he’s been there for me through everything. He loves my son, takes care of him -takes care of me. He does so much, and never asks for a thing in return.” 

____

_And yet,_ his heart adds silently. _You gave yourself to him anyway, a long time ago, without even realising._

____

“Everyday I wake up with him next to me, I’m surprised he’s still there. Like one day he’s gonna come to his senses and leave me behind. But he never does. He...”

____

“Loves you.” Bobby finishes. 

____

Eddie nods, biting the inside of his cheek. “And now I don’t know if I’ll ever get the chance to say it back.”

____

Bobby nods thoughtfully, pausing before speaking again. “I think he knows,” he says. “If you really love him that much, it’ll show. You don’t have to say it out loud for him to feel it.”

____

Eddie swallows. “Still. He deserves to hear it.”

____

Bobby puts a hand on his shoulder, squeezing lightly. “And he will.”

____

**2:17AM**

____

Back in the waiting room, Eddie looks up from his chair to see a doctor walking towards them.

____

“Family of Evan Buckley?”

____

Maddie shoots up from her chair faster than Eddie would’ve thought possible. Especially at the late hour, having watched the energy slowly drain out of her as the hours went by. She’s in front of the doctor in an instant, eyes darting around the man’s face, seemingly searching for a clue of whether he comes bearing good news or bad.

____

“They’ve just pulled him out of surgery. He’s in stable condition but still sleeping, probably will be for a while. If you’d like, I can take you to him.” 

____

Maddie nods, glancing back towards the team with a reassuring smile before following the doctor down the hallway. 

____

Eddie desperately wants to trail behind, to see for himself that Buck is alive and healing. Be able to watch the rise and fall of his chest and take comfort in the fact that he’s breathing, like he often does in the doorway of Christopher’s room after a particularly rough shift.

____

But it’s not his place. Maddie is Buck’s sister -his biological family- and she needs to see him first. She doesn’t even know that Eddie is anything more than a friend.

____

So he sits. And waits. 

____

It seems like that’s all he can do.

____

**2:19AM - Maddie**

____

The room is scarily silent when Maddie walks in.

____

Just outside the door, the world is still rushing by. Alarms blare, children cry, doctors and nurses dash around from patient to patient. Outside, everything is fast-paced, but it all feels very far away. In here, as she stares at her baby brother’s motionless body, it feels as if time has stopped. 

____

“Buck,” she whispers, but it sounds sharp in the quiet. 

____

“Buck.” More forceful this time. Maybe if she says it loud enough, it’ll break through the barrier of silence and wake him, and she’ll be able to see that smile again. 

____

She takes his arm, carefully wrapping her fingers around his wrist, digging in just enough that she can feel his pulse beneath her hands. She knows his heart is beating; hears it in the steady beeps coming from the machine by his bed. But she needs to feel it for herself. 

____

“I need you to wake up, okay?” She says, voice tearful. “You’ve got a niece on the way, and she’s really excited to meet her Uncle Buck. To hear all the crazy things you get up to with her dad at work.”

____

She perches on the chair by the bed, still grasping his arm. “I mean, you two have told the stories so many times I could probably recite them from memory, but-” She laughs softly, wiping a stray tear from her cheek. “But no one tells them as well as you do.”

____

Maddie falls silent again, staring at Buck’s unmoving eyelids, willing them to flutter open. She’s not sure how long she stays there, hoping that if she watches him for long enough, her presence by his side will put every broken piece of him back together; heal every wound and bring him back to his family. Because that’s her job as his big sister, isn’t it? She’s picked up the pieces of his life and patched them up a million times before, why should this be any different? 

____

Why can’t she do it when it matters most?

____

“God, Buck, you can’t keep doing this. It’s my job to look after you, and you’re making me feel like I’m terrible at it.” She squeezes his hand, and the hopeful part of her brain expects him to wake, sit up and call her ridiculous for thinking she’s anything but a wonderful sister, just like he’s done a thousand times before. 

____

But he doesn’t move. 

____

She continues on anyway. “Look, you’re going to get through this, alright? _We’re_ going to get through this.” Determination that she didn’t know she had the energy for fills her voice, and she rolls with it. “How many times has the world tried to knock the Buckleys down, huh? But we never let it get to us. We power through -always make it to the other side and you know why? It’s because we have each other.” She sniffles, squeezing his hand even tighter. “So you’re going to rest, you’re going to heal, and soon enough, you’ll walk right out of those hospital doors and get back out into the world. And I’m going to be with you every step of the way, because that’s what big sisters are for.” 

____

She lets out a deep breath, and with it comes a few more tears. She places a hand on her brother’s cheek and whispers; “I’m never going to leave you again.”

____

She holds her hand there for a moment longer, feeling the way his body shifts ever so slightly with each intake of breath. His skin is still pale, but as her touch lingers, she swears she can feel the warmth seeping back in, and it travels through her hand and settles itself within her. She smiles. Typical Buck, always providing love and comfort, even unconsciously. 

____

She glances out the window then, back out towards the bright, busy hallway, and isn’t too surprised to see Eddie lingering just around the corner. He’s turned away, giving them privacy, but even the carefully blank look on his face gives away his desperate need to be at her brother’s side. 

____

She turns back Buck’s sleeping form, and whispers; “I know I said I wasn’t going anywhere,” She glances back towards Eddie. “But I think there’s someone else who needs to see you right now.” She rises from her chair slowly, left hand still grasping his, and adds; “You’re going to have to tell me all about the two of you when you wake up, by the way. I don’t think Eddie’s fooling anyone.”

____

She walks over and opens the door then, leaning out into the hallway and calling Eddie’s name. He looks up, startled, and seems like he’s about to apologise when she speaks again.

____

“I’m in desperate need of a cup of coffee,” She lies, knowing he won’t ask, won’t say a word to try and get her to leave. But he needs some time alone. “Will you stay with him while I’m gone?”

____

Eddie’s face softens, relief flooding his features. He nods. 

____

**2:30AM - Eddie**

____

The first thing Eddie notices when he walks into the room are the bruises on both of Buck’s arms. They go all the way from his shoulders to his forearms, a trail of black and blue. The colour stands out in stark contrast to his pale skin, and Eddie can’t help but compare the body in front of him to the one he held just yesterday morning. The arms -unblemished- that had wrapped around him and pulled him closer; the smile that had kissed his; the bright blue eyes that had opened when he called Buck’s name.

____

“Buck?”

____

No response this time. 

____

He moves from the doorway, settling himself in the chair by the bed. He takes a closer look, sweeping his eyes over Buck’s body, and realises that the bruises stop at his wrists. They don’t reach his hands. It’s a small relief, knowing that there’s at least one part of him that remains untouched. That if there is a God in the sky, maybe they left Buck’s hands unharmed because he was expected to wake up and make use of them again. To eventually take hold of every hand that was so desperately reaching for him right now, grasp them, and reassure the people they belong to that everything would be alright.

____

Though he was raised Catholic, Eddie was never really sure if he believed in a higher power. He prays for this one thing anyway. 

____

Gently grasping Buck’s hand in his, he touches his lips to it and tries to press every word he wants to say into one small patch of skin. _I love you,_ the kiss says. _I was too scared for the words to make it past these lips, but I hope they’re telling you now._

____

He lowers Buck’s arm back onto the bed, but doesn’t let go. He’s not sure how long he has before someone else comes in, knocks on the door and scares away the silence, so he wants to hold on for as long as possible. 

____

He turns Buck’s hand over, facing the palm towards the ceiling, and begins to trace each line. Commits it to memory, just in case it ever gets ripped from his grasp again.

____

**3:27AM**

____

The room is beginning to go blurry at the edges. Eddie’s eyes are just beginning to slip closed, the lack of sleep finally catching up to him, when he hears the faint rustling of a sheet. He’s not entirely sure he didn’t imagine it until he feels the brush of a thumb against the back of his hand. 

____

Very faint, but still there. It’s a silent hello -a gentle reunion. Like the sun slowly peeking through the clouds at the end of a gloomy day. _I’ve come back to you,_ it says. _I hope I wasn’t gone too long. That you haven’t forgotten my warmth._

____

Eddie opens his eyes, looking first down at the hand clasped in his, watching as Buck runs his thumb across his knuckles. Once, then again. He stares for a few moments, hypnotised by the rhythm, as if, if he so much as blinks, everything will disappear. Like any sudden movement would reel him back to the previous evening, standing shivering in the cold, watching the dirt crumble from beneath Buck’s feet. 

____

But it doesn’t. When he casts his gaze upwards, all he’s met with are two familiar eyes finally staring back at him. 

____

“Buck.” He whispers.

____

“Hey, Eds,” Buck croaks out, and the two short syllables send a wave of relief through his body. It washes the tension from each muscle; forces out a breath he didn’t even realise he’d been holding. 

____

Letting out a shaky, tearful laugh, he squeezes Buck’s hand. He wants to wrap Buck up in his arms, hold Buck's entire body close to his own and never let go. But he doesn’t want to hurt him. So he settles for the hand. Unharmed, just for this purpose.

____

“How are you feeling?” He asks quietly.

____

Buck lifts one shoulder slightly. “Could be worse.” 

____

“Always looking on the bright side of things, huh?”

____

“I try.”

____

Buck’s okay. He’s alive. Looking at him with that same soft smile as always, eyes as bright as ever, full of quiet happiness -full of love. So much love. He’s seen that look a million times, but until Buck put it in words, he hadn’t truly realised how much weight that gaze held.

____

He gets it now. Now, all he has to do is say it back. No more wasting time.

____

“Buck-” The words get stuck in his throat again. 

____

He wishes there was an easier way to do it. Wishes he could simply rip his heart from his chest and show it to Buck -let its steady rhythm speak for him. Say, _Hear that? Hear how it beats for you? See how your name is etched into it, right next to my son’s?_ He wants to shove it into Buck’s arms -surrender up a piece of himself just as Buck had done earlier with one short phrase- to give him physical proof of just how deeply loved he is.

____

But he can’t. So words will have to do.

____

“What you said earlier-”

____

Buck grimaces. “Eddie, you don’t have to say anything-”

____

“No, please, listen,” Eddie interrupts. Takes a deep breath, and carries on, letting the truth spill from his lips just like he’d been doing all night. “When you fell, I was just about ready to throw myself down there with you.” Buck frowns. “I was going to tie myself up and go right down after you, unstable ground be damned. Bobby was looking at me like I was an idiot, but it didn’t _feel_ idiotic. It felt like the most logical thing in the world.” Eddie shakes his head. “And that terrifies me, because I can’t do reckless shit like that. I have a son -family members that expect me to come home to them at night. But in that moment, the thought of going home without you? That scared me more than death did.”

____

“Eddie-”

____

“What I’m trying to say,” Eddie continues. “Is that I love you too. So much that it scares me. And I guess that’s why I didn’t say it right away, but I do, Buck. And I don’t want to run from that.”

____

Buck’s eyes are wide and tearful, but he’s smiling. “Yeah?”

____

Eddie chuckles softly. “Yeah.”

____

Buck tugs on Eddie’s hand, pulling him closer, and uses his other hand to gently cup the side of Eddie’s face as he captures his lips in a kiss. Every movement is slow and deliberate, and for the first time tonight, Eddie doesn’t feel any need to rush. He could stay in this moment forever; let the raindrops freeze midair in the sky outside, the moon stay hidden in its position behind the clouds. Still time and stay right where they are, finally exchanging the words that went unsaid for too long.

____

“I love you,” Buck says when they eventually pull apart (because time doesn’t stop for anyone). “I love you, I love you, I love you.”

____

Looking into Buck’s eyes as he says it, with such honesty and conviction, Eddie decides that if this is what life will be like moving forward, he’s alright with time continuing on, too.

____

“I love you too.” Then; “I can’t do this without you.”

____

“You can,” Buck says. “But you won’t have to.”

____

**3:30AM - Hen**

____

Hen hears footsteps approaching from behind her, then Chimney joins her at her side, peering in through the window of Buck’s hospital room. She had gotten up from her place in the waiting room to come and check on Eddie, but when she arrived, he had his attention directed towards someone else.

____

“So…” Chim gestures towards Buck and Eddie, whispering to each other while trading soft kisses. “That’s a thing.”

____

“Yeah.” Hen nods. “I’m happy for them.”

____

Chim smiles. “Me too.”

____

**3:43AM - Eddie**

____

A knock at the door. 

____

Buck and Eddie look up, Buck’s eyebrows raising in surprise when he sees Maddie, Chimney, Athena, Bobby, Hen and Karen, all crowded around the doorway.

____

“Can we come in?” Maddie asks.

____

“You’re all still here?” Buck looks bewildered, like he can’t really believe they’d all stick around for him.

____

“Of course we are,” Athena scoffs. “You think we’d be able to go home and get any sleep if we didn’t come and make sure you were okay first?”

____

Buck presses his lips together, hiding a grin, before nodding. “Come on in.”

____

Eddie watches as each person filters in through the doorway, cramming themselves into the too-small room, and he smiles. Seeing Buck surrounded by so much love, the presence of each person filling the once blank, dreary room with joy -something in the air shifts. The chill of the hospital air conditioning disappears, and the room feels warm again. Happy chatter bounces off of the walls. 

____

“Trying to make me go grey early, huh kid?” Bobby jokes, and Buck laughs. The sound is bright, and it calms every nerve in Eddie’s body to finally hear it again.

____

“Hey, you’d look great as a silver fox!” Buck turns to Athena. “Wouldn’t he?”

____

Eddie sits back in his chair, settling down and taking everything in. The smiles plastered on everyone’s faces; the voices filling every square inch of the room; Buck - awake, surrounded by people he loves, and grinning from ear to ear.

____

Eddie takes a look out the window, and the sky is finally clear.

____

**Author's Note:**

> and here we are. whew! this was quite the thing to write, almost 3 months in progress, but I did it! i'm very happy with how it turned out, and i hope you are too.
> 
> [come chat with me on tumblr! @deareddie](https://deareddie.tumblr.com/)


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